WIFE: Do you see these tits?! Do you ever want to touch these tits again?! WIFE: Don’t compare me to that flat-chested bitch! HUSBAND: Responsibilities?! This isn’t what I signed up for! You’re just like my first wife! HUSBAND: When … when we get back it would be really nice to have some quality alone time if you know what I mean. SON: The Big Game starts any minute! We have to go! HUSBAND: Shut up, you stupid mutt!ĭAUGHTER: What about me?! Does anybody care what I want?! WIFE: And could you do something about your daughter? WIFE: While you’re out, can you take the trash? WIFE: Honey, could you take care of the dog? HUSBAND: Well … your mother and I were sort of in the middle of something.ĭAUGHTER: But I want to go now! There’s a sale! SON: I’ll take care of him! I promise! Come here, boy! Sit! Roll over! Play dead! Good boy! We’re not going to feed him for you, or take him for walks, or clean up his poop HUSBAND: He’d be your responsibility, Son. Now stop stuttering and hand over the key.įIRST HUSBAND: But … what about the kids?! You can’t take the kids away from me! Kids! You don’t want me to godo you kids?įIRST HUSBAND: But I don’t want to go! Please, I’ll … I’ll do anything! Just let me stay! I won’t bother you! I’ll stay out of the way! I’ll … I’ll be another kid! Or the family dog!ĭAUGHTER: Eww! He’s gonna get hair everywhere! WIFE: He brought me flowers! When’s the last time you brought me flowers?! HUSBAND: I’m trying to pork her in the rear. Your father and I need some time alone.įIRST HUSBAND: Hi, Honey! I’m … what’s going on here?! What are you doing to my wife?! SON: The Big Game?! No way! I love you, Dad!ĭAUGHTER: What about me? I hate baseball.ĭAUGHTER: A hundred dollar bill?! You’re the greatest! SON: You’re not my father! You’re a fake! An imposter! Children! Children, meet your new father. HUSBAND: It looks like you’ve got plenty to spare! Can we have sex now? WIFE: What if I lose my boobs? Will you leave me too? But I have to be honestit was mainly the boobs. WIFE: You left because she lost her boobs? I’m a boob man, so it was completely unworkable. She had boobs until the baby was born, but he sucked them right off. WIFE: Will you constantly try to pork me in the rear? WIFE: Watch football or do me in the kitchen? WIFE: Shingle the roof or buy a new house? WIFE: Would you do your own laundry or wait for me to do it. WIFE: Any history of baldness in your family? WIFE: Well … if you went to the trouble of writing it … I … I wouldn’t want it to go to waste. WIFE: My … my husband hasn’t brought me flowers in almost fifteen years. HUSBAND: They’re orchidsa symbol of rare beauty and eternal lovemy love for you. HUSBAND: Oh! I almost forgot! I brought you flowers! But you can’t just walk in here and expect us to WIFE: Look, I’m … I’m sorry your life is so boring. HUSBAND: Perfect! I love technology! All those little gadgets and stuff! It’ll be great! It has to be more exciting than the one I’ve been coming home to for the past fifteen years. HUSBAND: I pass it every day on my way to work, so I thought today I’d give it a try. And then, on the way home, suddenly it hit to mewhy come home to the same old boring wife and house and kids and dog when I could try something new? HUSBAND: It was awful! Just like every other day! Same old boring job. HUSBAND: Aren’t you going to ask how my day was? WIFE: Don’t touch me! I’ll scream! I’ll call the police! WIFE: Who are you? What are you doing in my house?! CHARACTERS WIFE HUSBAND SON DAUGHTER FIRST HUSBAND/DOG
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